The Wine Lover's Wish List

My birthday is coming up on the 28th. I know that many of you are scratching your heads, and wondering just what to get me. Sure, you say to yourself, he doesn't have every wine ever made, but he sure has tasted them.

While I thank you for your high opinion of my expertise, I haven't actually tasted every wine, just a whole lot of them. So what then do you buy for a wine aficionado who may be a bit jaded around the edges? What follows is my personal wish list, in several categories and price ranges. Consider this to be my birthday registry, and feel free to drop me a line for details on where to send my loot.

Corkscrews

There are some pretty neat corkscrews out there. The original Screwpull Leverpull is still the one I use everyday. I already have one, so you can save your $60.

In hand held "waiter style" corkscrews there is the exquisitely expensive Laguiole line. Starting at a mere $45, the top of the line model will set you back as much as $200. They even make a model with a "Clef du Vin" built in. This is the latest gimick in wine, stick the Clef in a glass of wine and it is said to magically improve the wine. I will be happy to submit a report on how effective it is, if anyone wants to pop for it.


Stemware

You can never have too much stemware, at least if you have a place to put it. But never fret, if there is one thing you can be certain of, glass breaks, so there is always a chance for new stemware in the future.

The latest thing in stemware is... no stems. The ever intrepid folks at Riedel have introduced what they call the O collection. Being stemless the glass is very hard to knock over, wobbling and not falling down, as the case may be. Typical of Riedel the glasses come in many subtly different shapes, each purportedly designed to enhance a specific type of wine. At $20 a pair these are well priced compared to most things on my list. Don't forget though that I need 10... of each.

Let me just throw in here another plug for the folks at Ravenscroft Crystal. They make a high quality line of stemware and decanters at decent prices. I have no connection with them, so feel free to get me a decanter or two from them.

Speaking of decanters. A decanter drying stand is well worth having, makes a great gift, and only costs $20 or so. Getting your decanters dry and spot free is a task and a half, ask anyone - btw, distilled water can help.

Wine Storage

I already have a pair of, and recommend, Eurocave refrigerated cellars. From $1500 and up, these are a must for anyone tight on space that wants to age their wine for decades. So once again I have saved you a bundle by buying my own toys. You will all just have to try harder.

Wine

For those of you in states that can ship me wine, be assured that I will accept liquid treats.

There are a few wines that are so legendary and so rare, that their mere presence is announced in whispers, lest they have to share it with too many people.

Chief among these wines for me is Quinta do Noval Nacional Port. I have actually never had a chance to try it. Of the other top wines there are any number of vintages I have never tried, but I have never tasted a Nacional from any year.

Cost has a little to do with it. The 2003 vintage, which will not be ready to drink for decades, gets upwards from $750. The well regarded 1963 vintage goes for $2000 or more, if you can even find a bottle. This is compared with $100 a bottle for Quinta do Noval's regular 1963 Vintage Port.

There is a store in California that lists a bottle of the 1934 for $3,000. It would be rude for me not to invite you to taste it after you spend that much on me, so consider it a standing invitation that I will cook one of my famous 7 course meals around this ultimate quaff.

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Ok, so most of you won't be sending me a $3000 bottle of wine, or even a $200 corkscrew for my birthday, but if you remember, and you have a chance, raise a toast to me. I intend to toast to all you, repeatedly.

Oh, and for those wondering how many birthdays this is for me... I usually lie and say 100 - I look pretty good for my age, no?

Wine and Sex

Food and wine are not the only pairings. Wine and occasions also have a long standing tradition. Champagne, or any sparkling wine for Valentine's Day, is what immediately springs to mind. But what about after the sparkling wine, the dinner, and the sparkling conversation?

It turns out that wine can also be paired to activities. Chardonnay is great for early evening get-togethers, and as the night turns long and the conversation turns deep, nothing goes better with philosophy than a glass of well aged Vintage Port. But what about sex? What wine goes with sex?

Sparkling wines again come to mind, and they are refreshing between bouts. Still, what about the act itself?

Dessert wines. Sticky, sweet, luscious, and ever so lick-able.

Narrowing down the list depends on taste, and what you are planning to taste.

Strawberries do best with a highly alcoholic and heady wine like a fortified Orange Muscat. There are some nice examples from California, with the French Muscat de Beaumes de Venise being a prime old world example.

Chocolate begs for Black Muscat. Harder to find, but the Elysium from Quady is reasonably common, and is one of the best.

I am not sure what you would be doing with nuts, or something sweet and vaguely nutty, like a creme brulee - and I wouldn't dream of asking for details - but here you would opt for a nice Tawny Port, the older the better. A budget alternative can be one of the "ports" from Australia.

Apricots and figs add a classic touch to your romp, and a nice Late Harvest Riesling would add even more dimensions.

And finally, while honey itself may be too sweet for most wine accompaniments, a good Sauternes and the right frame of mind can do wonders.

This Valentines day (or any day you want to make special) look at desert wine through a new light, and suggest something sweet to your sweetheart.

Turning the Lens Inward

No one likes to be criticized. Last week I took it upon myself to pick on my readers; never a very popular move. To be fair, if not exactly balanced, this week I victimize myself.

I am a critic by craft. I have a skewed world view that is always looking for flaws. Cynicism is probably an inevitable consequence, although I rejoice when I discover something, anything, up to my exacting standards. A pundit should adhere to a convention, even if it is a personal code, and his or her readers should be able to identify with those ideals. Above that, I and all who write about wine, should be entertaining.

Obviously, it is easier for me to extol my virtues, than turn an unbiased eye on myself. So then, here is my biased half hearted effort to scrutinize my own performance.

I suspect most people would say my greatest flaw of character, either in person, or in my writing is my arrogance. While I revel in what seems to me to be a sense of confidence, if my arrogance is turning off readers, it may be time for me to learn some humility. I wouldn't hold my breath of I were you.

Writing style is next up. I would love to be able to defend my style. It is after all, stylistic. I tend to write exactly as I speak. To me all the world is a narrative, waiting for my golden tongue. If you think I am effusive in writing, be thankful you don't have to sit through a dinner party with me.

I like to warn my readers away from dogma, hoping you will all learn to make up your own minds, and be confident enough to express your own opinions. For all that, I am a dogmatic fountain, spewing forth the rules of wine as I would have them.

Pedantic is a great word. Its very use describes the condition it describes, being overly literal. I warn the world away from the dangers of vague language, at the risk of stripping poetry from the language of wine. I am happiest when the words used actually describe specific chemicals or compounds found in wine. For all the joy it brings me, using the term diacetyl, over the term buttery, doesn't make me any easier to read.

Which brings me to hypocritical. Above all, I praise the power of communication. Getting your point across is the ultimate goal, no easy thing when describing something as subjective as wine. I shouldn't care what words you use, as long as the other person understands what you are trying to impart. I shouldn't care, but it turns out I do.

This has hardly been a grueling introspection. I am actually quite attached to the faults I listed, waving them about like a badge of honor. Many of these slights are common to all who critique, others I may not have a monopoly on, but I have honed them to a fine point.

So then, I invite you to add your own comments. Grade me, abuse me, or if all fails, praise me, but let me know what you think. Not only of my performance, but of reviewers in general.

I hate to be criticized, everyone does, but I invite it none the less, and who knows? Maybe I will learn something. Again, holding your breath can be hazardous to your health.

Stirring the pot

This is where I share my most provocative, and controversial opinions. I have the newsletter to write about the wines I taste, the website and my book for the facts of wine education, and this blog to rant, rave or whatever I feel like.

So what controversy do I wish to stir up today? I have already picked on wineries outside of the better known regions, including my home state of Colorado. I have chastised producers of Pinot Noir for adulterating their wines. I have even rebuked wine lists, without even looking at them. What is left? You.

The consumer is ultimately responsible for the wine market. Dollar votes determine the pricing, and availability, not only of wines, but of all consumer items.

So what have you been doing with your votes? Buying bad wine. Certainly, not you personally. You have already shown good taste by electing to read this diatribe. Rather, it is your friends, coworkers, neighbors and family. They have been buying bad wine, and it is your fault.

Not guilty you argue? How could you be responsible for your brother and sisters of the world? Surely this is a gross injustice heaped on you by a yet another hack writing from his ivory tower.

Well, you have a point, but it is still your fault.

Bad wine exists for the same reason inappropriate ethnic jokes still make their rounds, because people do not speak up to condemn their use. Social injustice is a greater offense, but this is a blog about wine.

In the words of someone I share almost nothing with, "Just say no!'

When you go to a restaurant, and they are serving swill, tell them so. Don't silently suffer, while dishing out your hard earned cash. If your neighbors are pouring something dreadful at their next BBQ, turn them on to a nicer bottle of wine, that is still reasonably priced. If your relatives pop open a box of wine at your next reunion, get new relatives - oh wait, you probably should share a better wine with them too.

If you want to make the world a better place, and I know you do, don't sit by and let the petty injustices go unnoticed, speak up. When something tastes bad, or is in bad taste, exercise your rights, and before you know it, we will all get along - or at least we will have better wine to drink.